How do I process lingering grief from a relationship that ended last year?

It sounds like you've been through a really painful breakup. Even though this happened last year, it makes complete sense that you're still hurting. You had four years together — that's a significant part of your young life that you shared with her.

You didn't just lose a girlfriend. You lost a whole future you had imagined, and a closeness that meant a great deal to you. The fact that she came out as lesbian adds an extra layer to the grief, because there was nothing you could have done differently — and it doesn't offer the same kind of closure that a more "typical" breakup might. That kind of loss can be harder to process than most people around you will understand.

About what happened a month ago with your friend. I can understand why that experience made you feel like you hadn't moved forward after all. But another way to look at it is this: your mind and body were telling you something important — that you're not done grieving yet, and that's okay. It was a moment where you realized you simply weren't ready. It also sounds like part of what motivated you was the pressure from friends to move on, more than any real desire or attraction. Sleeping with her turned out to be the wrong way to try to move forward — but you were trying to meet life halfway, and that matters. The fact that it brought up grief doesn't mean you're broken or stuck. It means you loved someone deeply.

You also mention that your friends don't quite seem to understand, and instead push you to put this behind you and look ahead. I think you're right that more supportive, listening friends would have helped your grieving process — and it's okay to feel disappointed by that. As things stand, you're carrying a lot of this alone, and that's genuinely hard.

So how can you start to move forward?

• Give yourself permission to grieve. The advice to just move on by meeting new people isn't the right fit for everyone. What you need is more time to understand and sort through your own thoughts and feelings. Some people find it helpful to write their reflections down in a journal.
• Focus on things that feel good. Spend time on activities that nourish you, and be around people whose company you enjoy.
• Try being more direct with your friends. You could say something like: "I know you want what's best for me, but being told to move on doesn't actually help. What I need is for you to just listen."

You can also contact your student welfare organisation for counselling services if you need it.

Take good care of yourself. What you're carrying is heavy, and the fact that you reached out and put it into words says a lot about your self-awareness and courage. Grief takes the time it takes — and you're allowed to move at your own pace. I wish you all the best going forward.