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Hi, I have suicidal thoughts and had them for a while. I'm very occupied with my own mental health problems (have seen a therapist for several months now). I know my friends struggle too. Recently I heard that several of them have suicidal thoughts too. Firstly, I dont know how to help them and feel I am not enough there for them. Secondly, I noticed when someone opens up to me about these kind of struggles I am quickly exhausted and taken up by all their worries and emotions, I am like a sponge. It is overwhelming and I feel I cant handle my own problems and theirs, which may also be the reason I am not enough there for them. When they talk about their problems it triggers a reaction in me about mine too. I dont want to be self-absorbed/-centered, I care a lot for my friends and am disappointed when I cant help, but also struggle a lot how to help them and myself. What can I do? How can I find a balance? How do I set boundaries without hurting them and still giving the space to talk?
Psykolog svarer
Thank you for sharing your worries with us. Being there for others when we struggle ourselves is quite demanding. It seems to me that you have a lot of care for others and a desire to be supportive. For many that is the characteristics of a good friend. On the other side being self-centered or feeling egoistic seems like an unpleasant feeling for you.
When we feel good, we don’t worry a lot about how others perceive us. When we struggle, we are normally self absorbed. That’s a normal feeling and a natural consequence of struggling. It does not mean that you are still not a great friend. It s more about allowing to feel these things without judging yourselves to harshly.
Suicidal thoughts occasionally represent a wish to die, but normally, and I get this feeling with you, it is more a feeling of wanting to get away from pain or a situation that you are in.
Suicidal thoughts is the language of shame. It contains withdrawal and occurs when we feel inadequate or in some way not good enough regarding who we are, how we feel about our bodies or something we have done that we regret. Shame is painful and can be exhausting. It is also highly contagious in a silent way. The reason for this is that it takes so much courage and is so vulnerable to talk about shame, because we are afraid of being judged as not good enough and rejected.
In your questions it seems like you have a hunch on what to do: Finding balance and set boundaries. As a professional it can be difficult sometimes to listen to students talking about problems that are close to mine. It’s at least tenfold more difficult if it is someone close. There is a clear principle: You have to take care of yourself before others.
That is easier said than done because setting boundaries may hurt some of your friends and you run the risk of them rejecting you or getting angry. That’s why it can be immensely difficult. “Just say no” is so challenging if it means hurting your friends, so it’s not “just” at all.
Feelings of shame lose power when you talk about it. Not talk in a sucidal way, but in a vulnerable way. Talking about how difficult it is for you to set boundaries, the conflict between listening and caring on one side and being exhausted on the other. The fear of being rejected by a friend if you say: “I can’t listen to this today, because it drains me”. These are scary subjects. Maybe you have other fears regarding rejection and friendship tha you need to explore.
Be selective and pick friends or familymembers you trust and who don’t judge when you start exploring these subjects.
Best of luck to you in exploring your challenging feelings!
Sincerely; the psychologist