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I am 24 and my first relationship started 2 years ago, and lasted for about 9 months. We had a really great time together, but then broke up because 1. differing political views and 2. her struggeling with abuse from her previous relationship and a difficult family situation and me not being able to support her the way she needed. Since our breakup which has been more than a year now, I have been thinking about her everyday. I don't want to do that, because I think its bad for my mental health and have tried everything to stop (trying to make peace with the break up / telling myself the reasons why it is good / just try to think "no" and think about something else when a thought pops up). When I reached out to her I learned she has a new boyfriend now and understandibly does not want to talk. Not many people match that greatly with me and I feel like I lost the best thing I ever had through this breakup. I live in regret, while she has moved on. How can I stop thinking about her?
Psykolog svarer
This sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Breakups are terrible and take a lot longer time than we prefer. It sounds like you had good reasons to break up, but that doesn't mean that the feelings disappear. To focus on the reasons why you broke up, is smart in this situation. But not always enough. It sounds quite normal that you think about your ex every day - heartbreak takes time. No wonder there are so many songs, movies and books about the subject.
We recommend you try this:
- Accept that the thoughts appear. Trying not to think about something or someone will only make you give it more focus. And the more feelings a thought evokes, the more likely it is to return.
- Removing your ex from social media can be helpful.
- Even though thoughts about your ex appear - refocus on what you are doing and seek out activities that gives you joy.
- Allow your heartbreak to be a part of your life. It won't go away even though you ignore it - so it is better to let it come and go and accept your feelings when they are there. Of course, this hurts, but with time it will hurt less.
- Talk to friends and family - they might have similar experiences and there is no need to go through this by yourself. We all need support from our loved ones.
Thinking that your ex was the only one for you is quite normal. But our memory is not accurate in these situations, we might remember the good parts and downplay the negative ones. Don't let this thought get in the way of meeting new people and giving them a chance.
Best of luck <3
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